The Very Top Best Smart Answer **************************************** Best Smart Answer #1 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam, "Class, I won't put up with any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a personal injury or illness, or a death in your family, but that's it, no other excuses, whatsoever!" A student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if, tomorrow, I were to tell you that I was suffering from complete, utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. The teacher laughed and replied, "Tomorrow, when you take the exam, I guess you'd have to write using your other hand."
A knight was questing one day and came across a damsel with no ams and no legs sitting next to a pond crying. Stoping next to her he asks "why are you crying?" "I've never been hugged." said the damsel "Well I'll fix that." said the knight, and so he huged her and carryed on his way. Later on his way back he comes across the same damsel and she's still crying. "What's wrong now?" he asks "I've never been kissed." she says so the knight kisses her "Any thing else while I'm here?" he says "well while you're at it ... I've never been fucked" so the knight... ...throws her in the pond "well you're fucked now babe"
An Irish lad named Patrick goes to a pub on a Friday evening and asks the barkeep for three mugs of ale. He drinks from all three mugs, sips from the first mug and sips from the second mug and sips the third mug. The barkeep looks at him strangely. The Irish lad drinks, again, once from each of the three mugs, one mug at a time. The barkeep approaches the lad and tells him that he buy one mug of ale at a time and the ale will remain colder while he is drinking his brew of choice. Patrick informs the barkeep he is keeping a tradition of drinking with his brothers, Sean and William, on Fridays who are afar off in distant places where the three brothers all do the same thing on Fridays, that is, they all drink together by each of them drinking three mugs of ale at the same time. The Irish lad continues his ritualistic Friday evening endeavor of drinking three mugs of ale each and every Friday. A few months pass by and, one Friday night - without explanation, the Irish lad only orders two mugs of ale. The barkeep hands two mugs of ale to Patrick and attempts to give condolences for the passing away of one of his brothers. The Irish lad smiled and told the barkeep that both of his brothers were alive and well and were keeping the Friday night endeavor. However, he only ordered two mugs of ale this time because he has stopped drinking.
Right back atcha. Ok, a C, a G and an E flat walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry I don't serve minors". So the E flat leaves, and the C and G split a fifth between them.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. Upon the fourth move and seat change, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver who, from having an ensuing argument and scuffle between the driver and man, was able to have the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man [about 20 years old] what he had to say in defence of himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her pregnant condition. She sat under a sweets sign that read, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then, she moved and sat under a sign that read, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I just had to smile. Then, she placed herself under a deodorant sign that read, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. When she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I totally lost it." The case was dismissed.
When I read this one, I laughed aloud...and laughed for a minute, afterwards. **************************************** LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY, AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL. I WOKE UP THAT MORNING...WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST. HOPED MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!". AND, POSSIBLY SHE WOULD HAVE A LITTLE PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY EVEN SAID GOOD MORNING. I THOUGHT...WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE, BUT SURELY THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. WHEN MY KIDS CAME TO THE KITCHEN FOR BREAKFAST, THEY DIDN'T SAY A SINGLE WORD, EITHER. SO, WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING QUITE LOW...AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE, SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!". IT FELT BETTER THAT SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK. JANE, THE SECRETARY, KNOCKED ON MY OFFICE DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, BOSS, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. SO, LET'S GO OUT FOR LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME.". I SAID, ""THANKS JANE!. THAT'S THE BEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!". WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO TO LUNCH. WE DINED AT A PLACE WITH A PRIVATE DIMLY LIT TABLE. WE EACH HAD TWO MARTINIS. I ENJOYED THE MEAL, TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY...WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO WORK AT THE OFFICE TODAY, DO WE?". I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT.". AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT, JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO MY BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.". I NERVOUSLY REPLIED, "OK.". SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND A DOZEN OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS. EVERYONE WAS SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I JUST SAT THERE...ON THE COUCH...NAKED.
Ugh, that is OLD Krunch. Here's something so fresh, I only ripped it from SomethingAwful yesterday. Ok, I put a funny pic in the joke thread not the funny pic thread. So sue me. Its all comedy, init?
