This is a comedy I wrote which people who have played the game will relate to, I know its kinda long, but it gets going quickly. It was innitially going to be a rant on how hard I found the first fight in the Temple, but I saw the funny side, realised it was just me as a poor gamer and wrote the below. Any comments will be appreciated, even if you didnt like it, though I hope you do! On with the Tale. -------------------- So here it was, the Temple of Elemental evil. Grace, Strogg, Zoltan, Eldarr, Nimble, Serena, Ronald and Elmo all stood together gaping upwards at the towering spires each lost for a brief moment dreaming of the rewards they hope to reap from this unholy of places. Strogg, a new double headed Dwarven Waraxe. Zoltan, new spells. Eldarr, the Arrow of returning. Nimble, the Golden Dagger. Serena, her sister, Ronald and Grace, The Sacred book of Prayer, and Elmo, a casket of Aunt Bethells Vintage Tonsil Burner. Elmo belched in anticipation. After a quick search of the perimeter, all Eldarr could find was several footprints and two strange looking blue doors. These doors seemed to be scattered everywhere, indeed the group had encountered many before during the Journey so far, their main purpose seems to be teleportation to different locations. So, not so fearlessly, Strogg grabbed the door to the North East upon which all the Party Magically appeared in a similar environment, all be it not alone. This new Place seemed to be the East side of the Temple,a burly man stood outside of what look suspiciously like the way in. Eager to begin what must surely be their biggest quest so far, the team raced towards the door, only to be stopped by the aforementioned gentlemen. As the teams leader and diplomatic representative, Grace approached. With a Charisma score of 16, she could usually sell sand to an Arab, but it seemed this guy had no interested in converse or reason. His limited vocabulary however, didn't stop Nimble from sneaking behind for a quick back stab. Job done, way clear. Fearing the worst was ahead, our strapping band of adventurers prepared. Mage armour and several broaches of shield spell were cast before the door to the Temple was finally opened. What the hell was this!! Before us stood 4 crossbowmen, 4 archers 3 footmen, 2 witches, 2 lieutenants, a wizard and their leader. 17 mobs in all, and all equipped with spells and armour our foolhardy hero's had yet to witness. At level 3 this surely was going to be a tough fight, but wait, there may be a way out of this yet. It seems the Brigand leader wants to talk, "Prepare your spells", he screams before approaching our Graceful leader, Grace. "Hang on a minute, why the fuck cant we prepare our spells", Zoltan muttered. "These are the ones who killed Lareth!", the Brigand leader continued. "How in Gods soiled Jockstrap does he know that was us? We left no survivors", mumbled Strogg. "It wasn't us, erm, he ran away", Grace pleaded as she stepped forth, cap in hand. "Lies!! Attack!! ". Well what a complete waste of time that was. Quick as a flash Eldarr drew his +1 Longbow and fired off a double volley of arrows. Eldarr " Quicksilver " Ranger, surely took after his name, as not many could beat this man to the draw. Unfortunately Initiative seemed to be the only thing this Ranger was actually was good at as he couldn't hit a Saggy elephants arse from 2 meters. Miss, Miss. Second to charge in was Elmo, which surprised everybody considering his drunken state. "Drinking grog and riding horses slows your reaction time", the paper flyer's stuck to the Tavern wall warned. Nothing effected " Detergent " Elmo anymore. Nobody was more surprised though than Ronald, who whilst attempting his spell, miscast as 2 arrows lodged in his groin. Nimble winced then sprung into action. Looking for the first hit of the night She unsheathed her Dagger of Venom only to realise that although she was about the size of one of Stroggs armpit hairs, her way was blocked due to the cramped setup of the Rebel mobs mess hall. All the tables and chairs piled towards the entrance, leaving only room enough for single file access to the rest of the spacious drinking quarters. With the rest of the exploring party squashed together like last summers free bar at the Frisky Wench, Nimble realised there was no getting past Stroggs size 18 backside and replaced the trusty dagger with her less than impressive crossbow, then stood motionless for the next few minutes. Just as things didn't seem to be going too well, the miracle happened. Zoltan, usually about as swift as a dead Swift, survived a myriad of arrows and unleashed his most powerful spell... Web. Success!, 13 of the crazed attackers became covered in Zoltans sticky residue. Now to anyone who didn't know Zoltan, this may not seem to be anything special. Wizard casts spell, and? But to those who did, knew this to be an incredible achievement. You see Zoltan "Gums" McDribble earned his name for good reason. In his younger days, his 21st birthday to be precise, Zoltan "decided" that he needed his teeth removed. Though not actually deciding "how" himself, one too many "Vile Toad shots" indirectly instructed "Big Berther Ortez", the local Tavern bouncer and weekend Cross dressing Morris Dancer, to decide for him. " Move your fat hairy arse, you inbred Hobbit fondling Bastard " was never the right thing to say as Berther innocently queued at the Bar in his favorite floral summer skirt. Ever since that day, Zoltan, a trained Wizard since the age of 14, has never managed to pronounce the "old language" required to cast wizardy spells, in quiet the same way. Troubles with his "s'" and "w'" led to one instance which will always be fondly remembered. As he attempted to conjure a dancing rabbit at the village galas "Ive got Talent Contest", one year, Zoltans lack of pearly whites and over excess of "Man Dribble" produced an interesting outcome. Rather than the intended fluffy dancing bunny, Zoltans slurred words unfortunately changed the town Mayor into what can best be described as a cross between a Garden Gnome and a 14 pound lump of overcooked spaghetti. Ingrid " The Flatulent ", took the prise that day, when she won outright with her smelly rendition of " A merry merry pitchfork ", which will forever be remembered, but how Zoltan still managed third place will remain a mystery. This was not the time for jubilation however, as the Brigand leader broke through Zoltans spider spell and stepped up to the plate. Toe to toe the mighty warriors clashed arms. Giant +3 fashion conscious killing machine vs Drunken Bum. All seemed lost, but Yet again it was Elmos intoxicated stupor that served him well as he dodged cleave after cleave from the gibbering killing machines 2 handed death prong, even managing an attack of opportunity causing the leader to be badly injured. Elmo belched in delight. Sadly for our Motley crew things were about to take a turn for the worse. Not satisfied with the fact that our death dealing mages' most powerful spell was less damaging than a party magicians card trick, The first of the Witches silenced the entire group with a click of her finger, rendering our legend to be useless. One minute a Beholder of light!, Conjurer of squirty sticky stuff!!, Wizard of mighty Arcane power !!!, now a skinny 9 hit point old man with an archaic machine that fired pointy sticks. Not that any of this mattered, another quick snap of the fingers from the second witch brought forth a magical blade, then a futher volley of arrows from the archers quickly sent Zoltan to a well overdue grave. Realising her healing skills were now limited to band aids and therapeutic massages, Grace cocked her crossbow and fired at the enemy Wizard. Miss. "Take down the casters!!" , she would have screamed if it wasn't for the fact she couldn't. Everyone seemed to have the same idea though, it was as if some God like entity was in control of them all with a plan that seemed to co-ordinate their efforts. Serena fired off her round, miss. Next up was Strogg, steamrolling like a man possessed toward the footman who was attacking Serena's rear. Battle Axe high in the air, anger, energy and hatred all combined together, aimed towards splitting this foe clean in half. Closer and closer, faster and faster, the whole room half expecting this poor guys gizzards to be decorating the walls, all watched in awe as Strogg thundered ever closer, then stopped. "What the..." Eldarr mimed, then quickly pulled back on his 2103 gold piece bow with his +2 gloves, putting all his training, all his 18 dexterity points into this clear shot at the Webbed Wizard. This was his moment, his time to shine. The arrow whizzed through the air before finally clattering a stone wall 2 foot from its intended target. Unfazed Elmo smashed onward, wallop, critical hit, Brigand Leader Near death. Two more bolts flew their way towards the prone unfortunate Wizard. Miss, miss. Ronald and Nimble both looked at each other in total disbelief. " What a fucking lucky cunt " a mysterious voice said. Things were indeed looking rather grim for our dwindling bunch of happy ramblers. And though Strogg, " The less than energetic" did manage to resume his charge and finish what he had begun, splitting the footman clean in two, it wasn't before Serena took one too many for the lads, ending up in a slumped heap on the floor looking very much like an overused pin cushion. Numbers were dwindling fast, and Grace had to try change the sway of battle. Utterly horrified with the thought of mouth to mouth with a wizened old toothless codger, she bravely made a dash for the door. Although young fit and Battle fresh, Graces attempt to grab the portal door, which was no more than an arms length away, rendered her completely exaughsted. Unable to move for the next few minutes she was compeled to watch as Nimble was sythed to tiny pieces, if that was even possible, by one of the witches conjured magical swords. Undettered and belching silently, Elmo sallied onwards, swipe after swipe hitting the Brigand leader, "Near Death 31" strangly appeared in red text above his head, again. This was his last arrow and Eldarr knew that with the lately deceased Zoltans sticky spell covering all but 3 square meters of floor, and that the Wizard of complete fucking Immunaty wasn't an option, he set his eyes on Elmos Near death opponant... he had to make this count. Eldarr drew his bow and let loose his pointy stick of pain. Hit !! 2 hp in red text magically rose from the Brigands head and off into the distance, "Near Death 33". Seeing Eldarrs glee, the first witch decided to join in the fun, casting Hidious laughter to great effect upon our already Joyous Ranger. Only this spell can make having your left testical pierced by a 10 inch steel rod funny. Eldarr died happy and without shame. Unlike Eldarr though, Strogg was clearly angry. If one could have only read his mind at this point they would have understood why. He knew his moment to explain his fealings were now lost. Sure, he was a hulking giant of a dwarf with more unsightly back hair than the whole of the Orcish royal brigade, but he also had more love than them all combined. It didn't matter that just the sweat produced from between his toes could keep afloat a small fishing vessel, he knew, he hoped, he always dreamed since the first they met that one day, one happy day, he could make it work and be together with his love. If only he had let her know, now it was too late. Nimble was gone. "......." Strogg screamed as he charged diserningly at the Brigand leader, his eyes told his pain even though his usually gruff heavey Dwarven vocal cords had momenterily deserted him. Axe high above his head, without defence and unconcerned for his own life Strogg brought his mighty warblade crashing down upon the Brigand leaders forehead. Critical hit. 14 hp floated away, " Near death 47". Seeing his fighting partners ferocious strike gave Elmo such an extream boost in moral that it sent him into an uncontrolable fit of belching which near knocked him off his feet, only to regaining his composure in time to dodge an incoming flurry of arrows. Elmo had always admired Strogg. Dwarfs could drink, and Elmo liked drinking, and now here they both were, side by side, brother in arms, fighting for there life together. Blow after blow, parry after parry continued for what seemed like minutes, unconcerned that their once confident stalward band of hero's to be were now reduced to just themselves, they battled on. Hit, 8 hp, Brigand leader " Near Death 55" Hit 11 hp " Brigand leader " Near Death 66 " Unfazed by the hedgehog like arrow cluster lodged in the side of his head Strogg fought on. Minutes passed with each side landing blows that would outright kill any normal mortal, until finally Stroggs dodgy ticker finally gave way. It wasn't the arrows that ended this brave warriors life, but the 17 family sized extra crusty "lard pies" he had had the night before. In normal circumstances this wouldnt have been a problem for a being of his monumental girth. At 5 feet 10 inches Strogg was hardly Dwarven size and a meal of this proportion was not uncommon. But for the fact that Strogg had the urge for a "number 2" since their arrival at the temple gates, and the sear lack of vegitation for a clean deposit and wipe, Strogg had been nipping the turtles head for close to an hour, and now it was way beyond any nipping. The flood gates had failed along with poor Stroggs broken heart. "Stop ! " Elmo shouted, mid belch. Both surprised at hearing the enemy speak through the silence spell and Stroggs ability to cast cloudkill through his arse, the enemy froze. "what is it you snivelling worm?" the Brigand leader demanded. "Well i was just thinking you see", Elmo replied scratching his head. "Dont you think that this is all a bit unfair?", Elmo belched " I thought that a gental introduction of lesser Mobs which slowly curved upward in difficulty depending on our fighting abilities, was how evil places of this nature were usually layed out". The Brigand leader tightened his grip on his sword. " But it seems that no matter how hard or how many times I hit you", Elmo Stabs the brigand leader, 5 hp float upward "Near Death 71", this doesnt seem to be the case. " Combine this with the insainly acrobatic Wizard you have back there that could dodge the fucking fury of Satan himself, and the fact that the whole of my companions were renderd completely useless within seconds of entering this cramped unfairly layed out shit hole" Elmo turns and points to the whole of his former team piled untop of each other like some undead zombie orgy. " It seems I was sadly mistaken, and this was not to be the case" Elmo lowers his head toward the floor, looking more than agreeved. "Becideds, the "Lusty Wench" opens in around 5 minutes", "Fancy a drink? Im buying" Elmo had an uncanny knack to win people over, loveable and drunken were the only two characteristics he seem to have, but he played on them and used them to good effect. At first The Brigand leader looked furious, the look on his face could well have wilted a meadow of spring daisies", but this quickly subsided after seeing the boyish glint in Elmos eyes. "Well now, I guess you do have a point there lad" The Brigand leader lowered his mighty two handed weapon. "" Come to think of it, i could do with a pint ", " Becideds nobody got hurt did they?, well, becides Boris over there, I never did like him much anyway, always seem to smell of stewed cabbage", " Oh and the whole of your group, but never mind hey, becides it fucking stinks in here ". " Dave!! " the brigand leader shouted as he turned to face the Webbed Wizard. " Clear this lot up we are off down the Lusty Wench ". The Wizards face dropped, " Why me? It will take hours alone", " Because you have done fuck all night becides dancing round looking pretty, thats why ", " Snap yeh fingers or mumble that crazy shit you usually do, your a Wizard arent you? " The Brigand leader turns back to face Elmo, " Names Percy, Percy Manlove, come on lets go get a drink " To this very day Elmo recites the tale to anyone who cares to listen, the tale of him and his companions escapade to the "Temple Of Elemental Evil" But nobody believed it, nobody ever believed Elmo. http://henryparsnip.blogspot.com/2011/03/irate-bards-tale.html My Blog Edited due to bad grammar.
long text is indeed scary i read the first 2 paragraphs. fucking funny as hell and damn fun lol. i thank thee for writing so good
Just finished the whole thing and loved it. A Great belly laugh escaped me many a time as I read your group's demise. Sorry you had a crap time of it, but at least you has some fun telling us. Now I will say that it seems a little foolish, to me, that you tackled the temple at only level 3. I usually use smaller groups and do not take NPC's, so I am at least 5th level when I go after the tower and its gang of toad licking bandito's. Hope your next try or new reload goes better for you.
Would it be too much to ask for this thread to be moved to Troika's Games/Temple of Elemental evil Please Mr/Miss Moderator.
Good writing should be encouraged, this is such writing. I feel for your party, I find it incredibly hard playing TOEE without using reload...
I Thank you for your kind words, and im glad you enjoyed it. ToEE is a great game even with all the bugs in it, which make it artificially harder than what it is. Latest bug I have found is 2 rings, 1 freedom of movement and 1 that helps breathing in bad conditions, which must have been made in China because they worked once then broke. My warrior was equipped with said rings, ran in ready for chaos...then got stuck in my web and tried killing the enemies with his vomit.
The Ring of Freedom of Movement does work (despite apprearances). You just have to give your character a movement command and they will move. The Necklace of Adaption not working properly is a known issue. It works once against (Cloudkill?) and then no longer works at all. By the way, I read your whole account of the ambush in the Temple Tower, and I also enjoyed reading it. You are a talented writer (although you made quite a few spelling errors). You do realize that it is meant to be a difficult combat because the bandits are waiting in ambush for your party to enter? Personally, I think that it's one of the 10 best combats in the game!
Im glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the positive remarks. My spelling, as you rightly stated, isnt the best. Though I could only find one mistake, fealing/feeling. I probebly missed the rest.
