Relationship Rant Thread

Nope. Not at all.

The passion I may have displayed there is not a reflection of any negative emotions I have about your post. You just sort of hit one my buttons. So I illuminated your last comment.

I DON'T think it's a male thing to be a soldier, or a protector. I've seen that women can stand up in combat, even though they still are limited in the jobs they can be posted to in the services. Instead of looking at the sex of the individual, they should just look at the individual. I'm not really a feminist, because that's sexist, too. (Though I am sexist.) But I think that the best person should get the job.

In the Guardian Angels, women are not often better fighters than the men, but they can easily be better Guardian Angels than the men. It's not how you get the job done, it's THAT you get the job done. I haven't noticed that toughness has any sexual variation. Women are different from men. But only a little.

Vive le difference! :thumbsup:

 

Yep. Training AND experience.

Upper body strength is definitely an issue. But GA wrestling doesn't have to be one-on-one. It's teamwork. If she's the first to make contact, she doesn't have to take him down and control him. She has to protect herself and tie him up until help arrives. Since we patrol in teams, that usually just seconds. Albeit, LONG seconds.

In Houston, cops patrol singly, so backup can take minutes. Now THAT'S tough!

Are far as sexual roles are concerned: I think you learn the majority of that from your parents. So a major component is going to be the family culture, which seems to vary widely. There are other factors like television, books, teachers, school peer groups, neighborhood peer groups, etc...Then you take control of your own life.

Sometimes you feel like a wierdo because you are not the same as everyone else. But, then neither is anyone else.

 

Do you really want me to reply to this? Or are you just saying?

 

Corrected.

I subscribe more to sociology than psychology.

 

I don't think you should count that as a correction. I'm not an expert, just a user.

I do too. I think actually that was sociology. The dividng line may not exist. It seems to be a matter of viewpoint. I just thought of something...

 

SPOILER: I tend to get pompous on this subject. You are warned.

I've had it explained to me that abusive men have the initial ability to be like chameleons...to appear like they are the 'man of your dreams.' They move quickly to 'hook' the woman because they know they can't maintain the image for long. (In other words, they lie, but it goes deeper than that.) The woman, meanwhile, has bought into this image, and falls in love with it. (Who wouldn't? It's the man of her dreams. The white picket fence, minivan and the smiley-faced kids are hovering in her peripheral vision.) She doesn't realize it isn't a real person that she is in love with. (I do not mean to imply that this scenario is limited to heterosexual relationships or that some women don't also do the same thing to men. But I am trying to stay on topic and the topic is complicated enough without side trips.)

'Nice' men aren't presenting a false image. They are 'just' who they are. And there is no way a 'nice' man's intitial efforts can be as powerful as the image that the abuser initially presents, because nice men aren't lying. Couple that with some other things...especially considering what/who our society says a man should be like (vis a vis advertising, tv, the movies, myths and legends, yada yada) and how society says a woman should feel about that man (Consider Disney's 'Beauty and the Beast.'), and I don't think it is surprising, at all. Very disappointing, though. Our society isn't very nice to men. Or women. Neither one of them is getting a fair shake.

I saw a couple of documentaries that focused on the media images that address male and female roles and it was chilling.

I get off track easily. I think falling in love with a 'nice' man is a slower process. A gradual process. Instead of intensity, there is intimacy. The relationship unfolds rather than exploding. Intimacy can be very very scary. What do we do when we are scared? Well...we're not very nice a lot of the time.

There are lots of holes in the above. Feel free (and you will, I bet) to pick them out.

There are other theories or ideas about why this happens, in addition to the above, but they are discounted (in many arenas [heh]) because they have implications that are threatening to one faction or another. These theories include hormonal influences (such as testosterone), brain chemistry, brain hardwiring (my term here...possibly incorrect) and chromosome variation (double y).

I am ignoring cultural values here, including the influence of the family, peer groups and all the things GA82 mentioned. And power dynamics. Got to cut it off somewhere.

I do not subscribe to any one ideology. (A failing of mine.)

 

It's a basic part of GA training to warn that someone has to keep an eye on the woman when we are busy protecting her from the man. They WILL attack you from behind, no matter how badly they were being hurt.

I've seen it several times as an Angel. A dark part of me wants to pull the team out and abandon her to her fate, if she attacks one of us. Even though we are witnesses, our policy is not to press charges if she won't, which is essentially the same thing.

 

It's us against the world, babe.

 

I think your answer to Gaear is outstanding!

I've learned that if a women is interested in me, she acts a little rude. If I don't care, I keep going. If she's important, I'll vear off. I'm scared of intimacy, too.

Be careful about guys who use that line, Kid.

And that one, too.

 

Scyler, my dear, you are spot on with this one. I'm deeply, personally, aware of the "gradual process". It's exactly how I and my wife took our relationship. We built it slowly and carefully with the intimacy to mentioned. With that kind of intimacy, handled properly and respectfully by both sides, comes trust. The deeper the trust, the stronger the relationship. (until one side blows it).

After rushing into my first relationship and marriage and watching that crash in flames around me, I learned a helluva bunch of a lessons that helped both of us build our lives together.

It also helped that she is 10 years my senior, had never been married, and had an excellent amount of personal life experiences, to make sure this one worked and not to let me get away with anything! :eyebrow:

Cougars rock!

 

Hey, opening up to anyone on that level is scary. None of us want to make ourselves vulnerable like that for fear of getting hurt, but we can't have a meaningful relationship without it and we can't learn and grow without suffering from it.

It's even harder when you've been hurt before after opening up. But somehow, most of us survive it, learn from it, and live to love another day.

 

1. She is in love. Love doesn't stop just because you are being abused.
2. She is told she is the problem. This point alone requires a couple of paragraphs.
3. She may be safer with him. At least, she will know what he is doing.
4. He may have convinced her that he will find her if she leaves. And....he can, easily.
5. Substance abuse may be a factor. 'Nother couple of paragraphs.
6. She may stay because of the kids. Ditto above.
7. Well known that her (and her kids') standard of living will drop. Drastically.
8. They may have parallel lives. The abuse may appear to be containable, thus
controllable in her mind; the trade-off may be worth it to her (Mostly, but not always
middle-class abuse, here.).
9. She thinks she can change him. Just love him enough.
10. She feels sorry for him.
11. The sexual dynamics may be powerful. She may think she will never find anyone
who can make her feel that way again (The true love myth you have pointed out.)

Do you want more?

Who said there are no absolutes? Einstein? Somebody did.

Try avoiding wounded birds, Gaear.